Times I have Felt Alive
Cheerleading has been a major part of my life. I believed it has shaped who I am as a person, and until recently it has been incorporated into my everyday life. I’ve cheered since third grade and my mom coached me for the better part of my cheerleading career. It was truly my life, not just a piece of it. The place that really shaped me was Springfield Youth Club (SYC), a non-profit, 100% volunteer organization centered around giving kids the opportunities to play sports for little to no cost. It was a special place for me growing up.
Unfortunately, I suffered from a severe concussion/mild traumatic brain injury (TBI) due to a cheer accident during my freshman year of high school causing me to withdraw from almost every aspect of my normal life, including SYC.
Living with a concussion was hell. I couldn’t sleep, or I slept too much – there was no in between. ANY light or sound was unbearably. I couldn’t eat for fear of throwing everything up within the hour after a meal. I showered for hours because I would repeat the same steps forgetting what I had already done and very quickly I had a shower buddy. A family member would sit on the toilet next to my shower and I’d tell them what I was doing as I was doing it. Although you can see how odd this became. I’d forget to tell them what I’d done, or I’d forget my shower buddy was there altogether until they spoke – which I’m sure you can imagine how startling that would be. I was on very strong medications which caused me to have terrifying hallucinations. I was homebound and pulled out of school for 5 months and didn’t “fully” return to school for another 3 months. In total, it took about 18 months for me to be cleared by the athletic trainer. I say “fully” loosely because even during my senior year of high school it was near impossible for me to go to school for a full week. I couldn’t be physically active, one of my favorite things, and I had to go to the hospital every other week, and then every month to run tests and get scans and fill out paperwork. Children’s International hospital in DC felt like a second home. Shortly after I finished physical therapy, I had a meltdown because I realized my life would never be the same. It took a while for me to realize that A. my life would either never be like it used to or B. it was going to take a very long. Long. Long time to get where I was.
During my sophomore year of high school I began to go to school again and start integrating normal life things back into my day. I begged my mom for her to let me do something with cheer, even if it wasn’t actually cheering, and she suggested I get back into coaching. It conveniently worked out that SYC’s performance/competition team needed an extra coach. I was nervous about being around cheerleaders when I didn’t feel like one myself. Would I be able to coach them as well as I had been able to when I was active?
This was the unexpected turning point for me. I thought that coaching would make me miss cheer but it helped me more than I realized because being around all my little cheerleaders and the all-star performance/competition team was inspiring. I realized I could be a productive person even with limited capabilities.
I remember teaching the girls how to stunt, teaching them the routines, cheers, jumps, and cheer voices. With such a wide variety of skills and experiences and life backgrounds, the girls touched my heart. Girls who had never cheered before left with confidence not only in the sport but also in themselves. We performed at George Mason University during basketball games, cheered along the sidelines of 26k marathons. And most importantly, they placed 2nd at our end of year competition at Bush Gardens – something the girls were thrilled with! I ended up coaching every age from 4 years old to 16 years old of every style of cheerleading (competitive, recreational, sideline, performance, all-star). By the end of the year, I had dedicated over 400 hours of service and this was the first time I felt alive.
It seems most people think you must feel alive to then feel dead. But I think you have to die to feel alive sometimes, and I definitely felt both.